The Movie That Will Smash the Gate (Mine)

 
thriftshop

Yes, this type of Co-Create article gets my attention, speaking of an inevitable fully-indie blockbuster movie that changes the model in the same fashion as Mackelmore (music) and 50 Shades of Grey (literature?).

Eric Kuhn, the head of social media at United Talent Agency, thinks the conditions for a hit are already in place. “Social media provides the reach, broadband streaming provides the distribution, and the public has shown the willingness to consume premium content in new ways,” he says. “The system is ready for it. It’s just needs the confluence of the right film and the right moment.”

Wait, I’m a filmmaker AND an entrepreneur AND a digital marketer. I guess it’s up to me to make this happen. Game on.

 

Top 10 Movies Predicting Unfortunate Pop Cultural Movements

zoltarAs geeks so often love to remind us, movies and TV shows have accurately predicted a lot of our current technology. Yes, a Star Trek communicator pre-dates a Motorola Razr by 40 years, and the non-holographic version of Minority Report’s touch screens are now on your iPhone. But really, who gives a f**k? All that proves is that the nerdy industrial designers of today used to all be sci-fi loving ‘indoor kids’ who had their first wet dream after watching Barbarella on late-night Cinemax. As a screenwriter, I’m less interested in guessing the next neato gadget, than predicting, or even shaping, the very culture we live in. As a result, I’ve compiled a list of films that did just that, albeit in really annoying ways.
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Why I Suck at Online Dating (But Get By as a Writer)

mctiernan_predator_posterYou’re a caveman (I don’t need to say caveperson since political correctness has only been around for 0.000000000000001% of human existence). Your ability to effectively categorize sh*t is everything. Is that shadow moving in the woods tasty prey or a nasty predator? Is that berry fire engine red (granted you don’t know what a fire engine is since the whole flame thing is pretty new) because it’s delicious or deadly? Despite the body hair, protruding forehead and inability to really get your jokes, will that female humanoid bear you healthy Australopithi-babies or leave you for that asshole Uggghh and take you for your cave and wheel? Fast forward to now. The world is essentially stable (unless you’re living in the majority of it that isn’t). You don’t really need to filter your world into boxes, but you do cause it’s hard wired. Knowing this can help you to write screenplays, but if you’re like me, it probably won’t get your ass laid.

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Perception Compression Theory or How to F**k with Time for Fun & Profit

Monica MatrixI’ll admit it, maybe I was tripping balls a bit inebriated. Actually, I’m admitting nothing, NOTHING. But, despite the fact that the first movie was superior in every regard, Silent P and I were blown away by The Matrix Reloaded. We couldn’t stop talking about the Zion Burning Man Rave scene, the dead heat of Bellucci as Persephone, that sick car chase (come on, you know it), even the stupid babbling architect. What did it mean, how would the series end, what were the philosophical ramifications? It was too much. Then, as we slid down the twinkling streets and I gazed into pulsating clouds, it hit me – we had been tricked. Not by Keanu’s “acting” but by what could be most important secret to making movies…whoa.
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The Protagonist Paradox

Say AnythingIt’s a high school movie (not High School Musical, cause that’s bullsh*t). The unsung hero likes the abnormally pretty girl with character who is generally saddled with the handsome, mean-spirited Alpha…you know, captain of the football team, leader of the pack, etc. of the etc. The protagonist has a beautiful soul, some extraordinary talent and is actually kinda cute himself come-to-think-of-it. It’s just that the object of desire can’t see the hero because of the shadows cast by her radiance. But we know better and root for him. Why? Because he is us. More accurately, he is our perspective since we all experience life as the hero. Too bad in any story there can really only be one (f**king) protagonist and, let’s face facts, it most likely ain’t you.
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Hard Drugs = Good Research

heroin-chix

I was somewhere and I was about to leave (you will understand my vagueness momentarily). But I heard someone on a call that sounded so deliberately on the up-and-up it had to be on the down-n-dirty. So I lingered. For a second I thought it was a bad idea. I wasn’t going to buy anything, what if he thought I was a narc? Then I remembered I was too stone-cold badass to be pegged as a cop (except maybe for the sex police). Before I had a chance to get all paranoid he arrived, didn’t give a shit that I was there and quickly produced a metal briefcase. Before he even cracked it open we all knew – it was on.

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Screenwriter Groupies

i_am_a_groupieBack in Vancouver I used to DJ. Then, through a few twists of fate, I started doing live laptop performances (kinda on a Girl Talk tip). It was mad fun and my gigs were generally at interesting venues with appreciative crowds (as opposed to the opiate masses at some of the parties I would spin at). I was playing an ‘Electric Campfire’ at an avant garde artspace and a diminutive blond approached me after my set. She had seen all of my shows (which would make her the only one) and within 5 minutes she wanted to make out with me. At the time this shouldn’t have been a problem, but there was a definite aura of whack-ness about her so I declined. Which, just made her more determined. She ended up following me around the rest of the night, the insanity in her eyes glowing brighter with every spurned advance. I realized then that crazed female fans weren’t my ish – BUT fast-forward to now and I’m curious – do successful screenwriters have groupies?

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Digital Dementia

ctrl_escMy hands are where they alway are – home position. I wish I was being pervy, but I ain’t. I’m at work, typing. It’s 1PM. In seven hours I’ll be home, on the computer again IMing with Silent P about the second mid-act climax (again, not a euphemism). Maybe, I’ll take a break, go for a thug workout (4 real). At midnight, my hands will be where they always are as I research a scene idea. I’m not complaining mind you, just wondering if anyone else finds life on a computer as f*cked-up disorienting as I do??

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For Sale: Ninja Movie

ninja_entryI’d make a sh*tty father. Okay, make that my creative partner and I would make horrible parents. Not with kids or anything, we’d be great at that. Of course, I’ve never even considered the idea, I mean, he’s a dude. Well, I guess there was that one time – we’d been working all night, he went out and got me a hot chocolate (how sweet is that?) and I thought for a second if only the laws were different…Pretend you didn’t read that, okay?

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Golden Michael Phelps Movie Ideas

55466984I’ve been digging the Olympics. Not so much rooting for the underdog (other than my celebrity doppelganger who just unseated I – bet – he’s – actually – gay Federer), but watching ruthless domination. Michael Phelps IS an aquatic killing machine. He’s simply sick. As of this post he has six golds (all world records), so I’m beating the rush with a matching number of can’t miss feature ideas.

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Writing High

stewardessesMy mind gets f*cked up changes when I fly. I can feel it. Probably a bit more optimistic, definitely reflective. Kinda spacey, expanding. Synapses fire with a distinct (bluish) spark. So, of course, I try to…write. Which is a bit hard when they have on-demand movies (right now I’m half-watching Charlie Wilson’s War). But I soldier on. And since I can’t quite focus on our next screenplay, my altitudinally shifted mind is somewhat fascinated by its own (sorry) state. So the question of the moment is, is it beneficial to write high?

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Yes We Can…Exploit Barack’s Rise

obama-surfWow! Brother did it. Maybe this nation will be pulled back from the brink by the power of ChangeTM after all? I’m pretty confident Obama can manhandle McCain. Getting by the GOP’s Satan-powered voter fraud machine – an entirely different matter. Nonetheless, I’ll leave that in Barack’s capable (fingers crossed) big black hands, cause I have scripts to pitch. After all, when was the last time we had a charismatic, smart Democrat with a colorful backstory in the Oval Office…who didn’t defile his portly intern with a Cohiba.

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What’s Your Championship?

APTOPIX NBA Finals BasketballI’m a world champion, two-time defending actually (until this summer). However, that’s another story. But speaking of the Truth, I was elated to watch Boston beat the f*ck out of LA. Believe it or not I have a stupidly indirect connection to a few ballers, including Ray “He Got Game” Allen. So last night, while watching Mr. Shuttlesworth and his teammates in the ecstatic throes of victory, I couldn’t help but think two things:

1/ Why didn’t the press make more of the fact that his early playoff shooting slump was probably caused by the distraction of the trial of hired killer who had caused his step parents to be placed in witness protection for two years?

2/ When I would be hoisting my own gosh durn trophy?

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Top 10 Secret Indiana Jones Facts Revealed

lego-indiDespite a major risk of impaled expectations – like one of those skeletons on the booby trapped gate in Raiders – I’m stoked for the new Indy movie (I can’t abbreviate it “Indi” as I’m pretty sure that’s what TomKat is naming its next Suri). Plus it stars my former Celebrity Crush (face it, fascists are hawt). However, on Digg alone I’ve seen two front-page posts of essentially the same Indy trivia (which are all on IMDb anyhow). This just doesn’t cut sh*t the mustard so, like everyone’s fave unlikable archaeologist / adventurer / pathological killer, I’m taking matters into my own hands.
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Our (Bisexual?) Agent and the Sliding* Doors

Slider Nicole and Mischa Fries

Slider Nicole and Mischa Fries

Actually, our agent’s sexuality was a rumor. Maybe an inevitable one since his star client was a verified omg-hes-sooo-f**kin-hot teen heartthrob who was on network and, like, everything. It wasn’t a bad thing though. In fact it worked to our advantage since he basically signed us on as his sole literally clients to write a script for his megastar (more on that project in the future). Plus, he had previously represented some notable (albeit Canadian) writers so we were happy. In fact we were on a roll. Little did we know that roll was ass-over-teakettle down the long hill of dumbass naivety into the eternal abyss of missed opportunity.

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4 Jumper Cables, 3 Tic Tacs and 2 Pregnancies

4months3weeksand2days1As good/great/amazing as Palme d’Or-winning Romanian 4 Months 3 Weeks and 2 Days was, maybe it wasn’t the best choice for a date movie. My gut was literally wrenching when the manipulative abortionist explained in blunt detail exactly what he was about to do – and that was before he demanded ‘fair payment’. At this point I realized that my companion probably would leave the theater wanting absolutely nothing to do with me, or any man, for the foreseeable future. In fact neither did I. We’re bad news f**king pigs.

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Star Whores*

Chewed OutWe had both written for magazines. It wasn’t that hard (really!). So how tough could throwing together a screenplay be? Since we knew sweet f**k all nothing about the form we decided the easiest thing to do would be to rape seek inspiration from something familiar, something well known. In fact what could be more universal than the galaxy…one far, far away (if you’re not gagging like Jabba yet, hold onto your light saber)? The “wrinkle” would be that our Star Wars film would be set in the world of..wait for it…RAVES!!

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The Diablo Made Me Do It

The DevilWTF?!! That stands for WHAT THE F**K?!! As in when a proof reader turned stripper turned blogger turned author turns screenwriter and gets her first script produced, wins a bunch of awards, scores a buttload more work, is nominated for, and probably nabs, an Oscar, wins the Nobel Peace Prize and will most likely steal my next girlfriend (’cause she invariably eats beev better than me too). Ms Cody, in a pole-dancing final-drafting nutshell is the reason I stand whimper before you today.

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