So last month this guy from Connecticut was at a seafood restaurant and when it came time to choose who to eat, he spotted an enormous 17-pound lobster in the live tank. Instead of dining on Lucky Larry, as he’s now known, he set him free (in the ocean, not just in the restaurant parking lot).
Sound familiar? It should, because it’s almost an exact rip-off of a movie idea I had. No, I never made it into a movie, or wrote the script, or told my fellow Evil partner or anybody else about it. But guys, seriously, I really did think of it.
My version was a little different though. And by different, I mean better. My hero isn’t some Connecticut douchebag with raccoon eyes and a sailboat named Knotty Buoy. Instead, the protagonist is a 12 year-old girl played by whatever Fanning kid is available. Blabba is the character’s name and she lives in Wyoming, wherever that is. She’s not really too cute and she’s not at all precocious, because contrary to what many think, I feel precocious kids need less time on screen and more time learning to stop being such uppity a-holes.
The adventure starts when Blabbba goes out to the local Red Lobster for dinner. Everything’s fine through the salad portion of the meal, and obviously the cheddar biscuits are great. But then it comes time for the main course, and Blabba’s parents order live lobster. The whole family heads over to the tank to decide which crustacean will die for their pleasure. And there, hiding way at the back of the tank is this one huge bastard. Blabba wastes no time anthropomorphizing the filthy sea insect (“Look, it’s smiling at me!”) and giving it a name (“I think I’ll call him Bieber the 2nd). And then she whines and cries and convinces her poor parents not to eat him. (they instead eat a smaller lobster named Max who, had he not been eaten, would have later gone on to cure herpes.)
Blabba begs her cold-hearted parents to buy Bieber the 2nd so she can… wait for it… set him free. But they hate happiness and mercy, so they tell her no way. When her attempts to raise $17.99 by opening a lemon stand prove unsuccessful, Blabba hatches a plan. Her and her friend, who happens to be the son of the owners of the Red Lobster (lucky!), sneak into the restaurant one night and bust Bieber out of there.
So there the two of them are, with a bucket full of salt water and a huge lobster. But now what? They’re in Wyoming for chrissakes. And that’s where the adventure really starts. I can’t tell you exactly what happens, because I haven’t written it and never will. But I do know it’s going to end on the same Oregon beach where the Goonies watched One-Eyed Willie’s ship float out to sea. In this case, Blabba will run out onto the sand just moments before her parents zoom out onto the beach in their luxury SUV. Waist-deep in the Pacific, with waves crashing over her, Blabba will lower Bieber into the water and… and… she can’t do it. How can she live without this crazy lobster? Sure those pinchers hurt, and he smells a little fishy, but they’ve been through so much together. She just can’t stand the thought that she’ll never see him again as long as she lives.
But here comes her dad and he’s wearing a bib. And he’s holding one of those cracker things and he’s got a dipping bowl full of melted butter. OH MY GOD HE’S GOING TO EAT BIEBER THE 2ND!!
With tears streaming down her face, Blabba holds Bieber up to her face. She kisses him and tells him “I’ll never let them suck out your insides.” And then she lets him go.
Quietly at first, the strains of the Pink Floyd classic Wish You Were Here rise over the crashing of the waves. “So, so you think you can tell. Heaven from Hell. Blue skies from pain.”
As her dad drags her out of the water, Blabba waves one final goodbye. And it almost seems like Bieber the 2nd lifts one of his little claws and waves goodbye right back.
A few days later the whole family drives up to the suddenly unfamiliar, too-small home in Wyoming. Her dad lifts Blabba out of the back seat. He makes a joke, but she’s not listening. All she can think about is that lovable lobster drifting away in the blue of the ocean. “We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here.”
So yeah, pretty emotional stuff. But the world can never see this movie now, because we can’t afford the $50 it would cost to buy the rights to that Connecticut guy’s story.