Specifically, have you ever wondered what happens after you die and have yourself cryogenically frozen, then wake up twenty years from now as just a head?
If so, you might enjoy my new movie idea: Like a Chicken. But if you do like it, you’re the only one. My writing partner and fellow Screenplaya hates it. All my friends hate it. And my wife said its high concept-ness reminded her of Adam Sandler’s Jack & Jill, but without the wit.
The thing is though, how many movies have a scene where an English Bulldog with a human head gets humped by a labradoodle… and not just for a cheap laugh. It’s a scene that matters.
In the not too distant future, our hero Zeke wakes up. He quickly sees there’s good news and bad news.
The good news
He’s alive. Again. And that’s particularly awesome because he died thirty years ago from an accidental overdose of Tums. Luckily he had enough forethought and disposable income to follow in the footsteps of Walt Disney and Steve Jobs and get his body cryogenically frozen.
The bad news
He’s just a head, in one of those Futurama-y jars that keeps formerly-cryogenically frozen heads alive (if you can call this living).
The worse news
The cryogenic company accidentally gave his body to the wrong head when they un-froze him. So Zeke has to find the guy who got his body and make him give it back. And did I mention Zeke’s just a head? How’s he supposed to find his body when he can’t even walk, or stick out a thumb to hitch a ride in a hover car?
What’s that? Zach Galifianakis will be in it?
It’s around here that I should mention that Zach Galifianakis should probably play the role of Zeke, and not just because their names are similar. It’s because it would be funny to have that huge beard in a jar. Like, why didn’t they shave him before the cryogenic freezing? So stupid!
Also, Zach Galifianakis has no neck, which will make it easier to chroma-key his body away in post-production.
What’s that? A sex scene with a labradoodle?
Along the way, Zeke will have many adventures, like:
- Taking a dangerous trip into the underworld so a black market cryogenist can attach his head to a temporary body
- Waking up at the black market cryogenist’s and realizing the asshole attached his head to the body of an English Bulldog
- Getting seduced by a lithe, young labradoodle
- Getting seduced by that same lithe, young labradoodle, while attached to the body of the English Bulldog.
- Evading the cops by rolling down a steep hill
- Bobbing around in the fountain at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, until a beautiful young showgirl saves him
- Getting traded for a foot-long margarita by the beautiful young showgirl
- And many more…
By now it should be obvious that this is a movie that would both tickle the funny bone and jerk the tears. And I’m absolutely sure that working with some of the best dog actors of our time and Zach Galifianakis would be a creative joy. But in screenwriting as in life, sometimes you have to listen to those around you, even if they’re wrong wrong wrong. Sometimes you have to take your best ideas and bury them deep, deep inside where they’ll never see the light of day. After all, imagine how much better the world would be if Spielberg had taken that Crystal Skull concept and shoved it up where the sun don’t shine.