Meet Francis McTavish. He’s a likeable everyman with a beer belly and a bald spot. But what he lacks in abs, he makes up for with a cool job – he’s a geologist surveying for minerals in the rainy rainforests of Peru.
So he’s down in South America one day, when his helicopter crash-lands deep in the jungle. The pilot dies, and Francis has a nasty gash on the back of his shiny head. He uses some leaves from a strange looking plant to sop up the blood, then gets rescued.
A week later, and Francis is back at home in America. He looks in the mirror and holy shit his hair is growing back! Yup, there’s manly stubble wherever those magical leaves touched his head.
Francis tries to raise funds to go exploring for the plant. He meets with pharmaceutical reps, entrepreneurs and that mouthy kid who founded Facebook, but they think he’s just some crazy asshole. Even worse, a rebel group of Peruvian marigold farmers have moved into that corner of the jungle, and are raising hell and chopping down the rainforest to grow their stupid flowers.
Yeah, But When Do Butts Get Kicked?
With no other choice, he rounds up a ragtag group of balding soldiers of fortune that have what it takes to kick ass, take names, and find that plant. When his posse gets to Peru, they hop in their off-road Humvees and hit the jungle, stopping only to load up on guns, ammo and matching tshirts emblazoned with their dangerous new motto.
I can’t spoil exactly what happens then, but suffice it to say that the game ends Bald Americans: 1, Marigold Rebels: 0.
Sounds Awesome, What’s it Called?
So obviously, this is a pulse-pounding, butt-clenching actioner that brings together the best parts of The Dirty Dozen, The Rundown and an infomercial for Hairclub for Men. I call it Bald Eagles.
But it can’t be all awesome, can it? I looked at the…
Marketing would be a breeze. Media titans like Dr. Phil and Mr. Clean would help spread word of mouth. And the bald community could turn this into a banner moment, like when Louis C.K. got his own show. Oh, and Moby will rip the music world a new asshole with the soundtrack mega-hit “Hugs Not Rugs”.
I’m not bald, and I’m not sure you’re allowed to write a movie about the bald experience if you have a full head of hair. Plus, the Simpsons did it. There’s that episode where Homer suddenly becomes successful when he grows a full head of hair. This idea isn’t a total rip-off though, because Homer never wins by starting an explosion at a marigold plantation with his farts, like in my movie.